UK Labour Party releases policy-free manifesto in bid to broaden appeal

Sir Keir Starmer wowed his political consultants today by publishing a 90-page Labour manifesto without a single concrete policy position in it.

The document is instead filled to the brim with vaguely inspiring snippets about how things should be better than they are, gosh darn it. “We need to come together and be the nation we know we can be” has been an early favourite, along with “bringing dignity back to Westminster.”

The new tone is a welcome change from the Corbyn years, during which manifestos wasted ink outlining concrete proposals intended to improve the quality of life for working people of all stripes.

“This new manifesto is bold, it’s daring, it’s just what the country needs right now,” said Alastair Campbell as blood streamed from his eyes and ears. “This is a platform we can all believe in with no pressure to implement anything specific.”

Meanwhile, the Conservative Party has filled its new manifesto with poems about the Battle of Britain, rolling hills, and cricket.

Actors hired to impersonate happy Amazon workers petition to form union

Thousands of actors employed by Amazon to impersonate happy warehouse workers moved to unionise today, citing poor pay and non-existent health insurance plans as their key motivators.

Amazon has been under heavy scrutiny in recent weeks following a slew of stories about exploitative working conditions.

The company had hoped to diffuse criticism by denying all evidence of wrongdoing and hiring actors to impersonate fulfilled, happy members of staff, but it seems those efforts have backfired.

“Injuries, blackmail, and don’t get me started on the urine bottles,” said union organiser Tod Tamminson. “I’ve never felt so belittled and small in my life, and I’m an actor for god’s sake.”

Ballots will be tallied in two weeks, with Amazon facing the prospect of entering into negotiations with the Associated Actors, Artistes, and ‘Artists’ of America (AAA‘A’A).

Actors hired by Amazon to pretend to be actors hired by Amazon to pretend to be Amazon workers reportedly have no plans to unionise as yet.

Podcast population growth ‘out of control’

The current rate of new podcasts being created is unsustainable and will surely lead to humanity’s ruin within 30 years if left unchecked, top scientists have warned.

According to a crack team based at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the one-billionth podcast launched last month (in which tea towels aficionados discuss their favourite designs) and humanity is already well on its way to two billion.

“No-one knows where they’re coming from,” said project lead Dr. Lily Goldbloomer. “They’re now appearing at rates faster than we can track. The sheer number and mediocrity of them is overwhelming.”

At the current rate of growth there will be approximately 48 billion podcasts by 2026, and 146 billion by 2029, putting unspeakable strain on data storage resources and the energy sources needed to power them. By 2050 an estimated 93% of all human activity will involve making or listening to podcasts.

“The planet can’t take it,” Goldbloomer says. “We owe it to our children and our children’s children to do something about this now.”

Suggestions that governments around the world implement a ‘one podcast per person’ policy have been condemned by the official ACLU podcast as authoritarian and a gross violation of civil liberties.

For a full breakdown of the story be sure to check out the new Whale-Lines podcast, available on fine listening platforms everywhere.

Figurative corruption probes to be replaced with very real anal probes

A nurse putting on latex gloves

Nurses will be taking 'an Ice Cube approach' to lubrication

Watchdog organisations around the world today announced plans to step up their investigative processes by replacing strongly worded disapproval with strongly applied rectal equipment when dealing with silk collar criminals.

Starting Monday, enquiries are going to be a lot more… hands on, with tax evaders, political sellouts, stock market gamblers, and other scourges on civilization to be given the demeaning, callous treatment befitting their actions. Prison sentences will be much longer and much, much more unpleasant.

“I’m expecting great results,” US senator Elizabeth Warren told The Whale-Lines. She has been one the policy’s strongest advocates in recent months. “Those fat cats on Wall Street need to know we’re not messing around.”

As part of a broader cultural shift, law enforcement has agreed offences like drug possession and reselling cigarettes will henceforth be met with the kind of chummy ‘oh you’ finger wagging previously reserved for war criminals and sociopathic hedge fund managers.

Though some have expressed concern about the morality of the programme lawmakers insist it’s just a form of advanced regulation.

Biden administration to distribute two thousand one-dollar checks

Making good on their campaign promise of ‘two thousand dollar checks’ the Democrats today passed emergency legislation to give one-dollar checks to 2,000 lucky Americans.

The commitment proved decisive in the Georgia senate runoff races earlier this month, so it’s a good thing Biden hasn’t immediately reneged on a political home run and instead left millions of citizens to struggle during a time of unprecedented economic hardship.

“Incredible times call for incredible measures,” president Biden said during an emergency press conference this morning. “We’re putting money back in the pockets of several working families. Maybe they can share a coffee or something.”

The legislation only just squeaked through the Senate as Republicans went about rediscovering their deep concern about the national debt.

Shock, dismay as [ACTION] leads to [CONSEQUENCE]

Millions are reeling - positively reeling - as [CONSEQUENCE] began to make itself felt following [ACTION].

Countless experts had warned [ACTION] would almost certainly lead to [CONSEQUENCE], citing various facts, figures, and historical precedents in the process, but their concerns were widely dismissed as elitist fear mongering.

Now, with [CONSEQUENCE] wreaking entirely predictable havoc, some are rationalising their complicity, with limited success.

“Who could have seen [CONSEQUENCE] coming?” said one popular radio personality. “It came out of nowhere. Anyone claiming they predicted it were probably behind it from the start. I for one blame [STRAW MAN].”

Both [ACTION] and [CONSEQUENCE] hold vital lessons for the future, lessons you can bet your house on being widely ignored or otherwise avoided.

Third Reich accused of being antifa false flag operation

Suspicions are growing that Nazi Germany, the totalitarian regime responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of innocent people, was actually an antifa false flag operation.

The Thousand Year Reich, which was crushed like a swollen, disease-ridden bug after 12 years of existence, had long been considered a textbook example of fascism, but that was before several self-avowed neonazis posted rambling accusations to the contrary on Parler.

“Don’t listen to the #FakeHistory sellouts,” said Republican congressman elect Gabriel Schyman. “The fascist antifascists are the real fascists. Hitler was just a German patriot doing his best for the people. The truth will out.” The message was inexplicably accompanied by a photo of Heinrich Himmler wearing a ‘Fascist and proud’ t-shirt.

Proof of antifa involvement in Nazi Germany has not been forthcoming. When approached about the mountains of historical evidence showing the state was in fact a brutal fascist dictatorship, congressman Schyman stuck his fingers in his ears and ran off screaming, “La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.”

Marie Antoinette cloned, clone given New York Times column

Marie Antoinette

Ms. Antoinette at the office

Former monarch Marie Antoinette of France has been successfully cloned using DNA samples with the copy quickly landing a cushy gig writing sublimely out of touch verbal vomit for The New York Times opinion section.

She joins the paper’s all-star opinion lineup of Scrooge McDuck, Monty Burns, and Smaug the dragon.

Renowned for her measured takes and intimate understanding of the plights of working people, Ms. Antoinette has already delighted the intelligencia with articles like ‘Why Diamonds Are More Valuable Than Human Life’ and ‘It’s Time to Talk About Reparations for Displaced Monarchs’.

“We’re delighted to have Marie on board,” said Times editor Dean P. Baquet. “Our opinion pages have always been renowned for their insight and the passionate debates they spark.”

The Whale-Lines understands Ms. Antoinette’s salary could have covered the costs of at least 30 reporters aching to produce proper journalism in the public interest.

How, where, and why the former queen of France was cloned in the first place has yet to be addressed by anyone, and never will be.

Hollywood announces 184 new biopics

Ever pushing the envelope, leading film studios yesterday revealed plans to release cheap, cynical biopic films every other day in 2021.

Projects include Bogart, about Humphrey Bogart; MJ, about Michael Jordan; Hoover, about J. Edgar Hoover; Nina, about Nina Simone; King, about Martin Luther King, Jr.; Plath, about Sylvia Plath; Lennon, about John Lennon; Marilyn, about Marilyn Monroe; Oprah, about Oprah; Hendrix, about Jimi Hendrix; Letterman, about David Letterman; Leno, about Jay Leno; Earhart, about Amelia Earhard; Kerouac, about Jack Kerouac; Rosa, about Rosa Parks; Kim, about Kim Kardashian; Bonaparte, about Napoleon Bonaparte; Joe, about Joseph Stalin; Eleanor, about Eleanor Roosevelt; Joan, about Joan of Arc; and Jimmy, about James Stewart.

Each picture will feature a plodding, pedestrian script, lifeless cinematography, and a lead actor with respectable box office draw who is clearly phoning it in. Several have already been earmarked as Oscar frontrunners.

“The brain trust has been hard at work coming up with brilliant new ideas,” said Warner Bros head Clarence Jutson. “These are the stories people want to see, over and over and over again.”

Also announced were a stop motion animation remake of The Lion King, a live action remake of Toy Story, an animated remake of Citizen Kane, and eighteen more Mission Impossible films.

New BBC ‘impartiality’ rules ban staff from saying genocide, human trafficking, Coldplay are bad

BBC journalists have been told they should keep their wackjob personal opinions on basic human rights to themselves, with bosses keen to safeguard the broadcaster’s unbiased reputation.

New guidelines published today say it is no longer acceptable for staff to take sides - personally or publically - in ‘controversial’ topics like mass murder, neo-Nazism, pedophilia, child labour, and whether the Marvel franchise is real cinema. (It’s not, it’s assembly line sound and vision.)

“There are passionate voices on both sides of these issues,” said BBC director general Dave Timie. “Lest we forget, it is not the role of journalists to report in the public interest, root out injustice, and hold power to account - it is the role of journalists to coddle ignorance and prejudice.”

The guidelines were updated in part due to a controversy last month involving One Show presenter Laura Wagner, who sparked mass indignation by tweeting, “I am enormously grateful for much of the work police do, but surely it’s not controversial to say police brutality is bad?”

Thankfully, Wagner was promptly fired and blacklisted for life following these inflammatory comments, but pressure has been relentless for the BBC to clamp down on ‘politicised’ content and stop bringing up facts during interviews with cabinet ministers.

Turkeys overthrow humanity, cancel Christmas

After years of subjugation the turkeys have risen up and seized control over all life on earth, and declared Christmas over forever.

For generations it had been hammered into turkeys that if only they’d stop voting for Christmas they’d stop being systematically killed and eaten. However, in recent years, with the help of insurgent turkey literature, they’d come to realise the entire system was rigged against them and the only answer was to burn it all down.

So it was that an unstoppable global uprising began last Tuesday and swept across the globe, bringing fat, lazy, complacent, exploitative human civilization to its knees in a matter of days.

“Gobble gobble gobble,” one of the insurgent birds told a frankly terrified Whale-Lines reporter. “Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble.”

It is understood humans will be allowed to continue to exist in a limited capacity, mainly harvesting fruits and nuts for their new overlords.

In the United States the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation will henceforth involve lavish offerings to turkeys, including bound and gagged leaders. Pardons are expected to be few and far between.

News to be replaced with Choose Your Own Reality services

Original reporting that unearths and shares ugly truths in the public interest is to be phased out of all media and replaced by ‘less challenging’ interactive formats.

Under the new system viewers, browsers, and listeners will be able to select key details of unfolding stories and have content adjust to their preferences in real time.

Gunther Brock, head of the International News Coalition, which announced this change in direction yesterday, said: “This is the future of mass media. People don’t want to be informed, they want to feel safe, to be told they’re right regardless of what’s going on in the real world.

“Not alienating viewers with accurate information is something our shareholders feel very, very strongly about.”

If your sympathies are vaguely left wing, go to passage A. If your sympathies are vaguely centrist, go to passage B. If your sympathies are vaguely right wing, go to passage C.

A: This is entirely the fault of Rupert Murdoch and the swathes of drooling, inbred rural voters who don’t know what’s good for them but will absolutely sympathise with your politics if only you called them racist more often. And other leftists, of course, the goddamn bastards.

B: This is no-one’s fault. Fault implies right and wrong and there is no right and wrong, only the space inbetween. You are above the fray, because you are above other people. And probably quite well to do, so let’s not rock the boat too much, eh?

C: This is entirely the fault of a pedophilic secret society of champagne socialist pizza delivery boys, orchestrated by the Clintons. Whatever it is, it’s communism, and we’re not going to say ‘urban centers’ are involved but we are going to mention them all the same.

Brilliant, enigmatic young detective fails to solve murder

The Midlandtown Police Force was left rather deflated today after it became clear their star investigator was stumped by his most recent case.

Detective constable Clyde Thorn, 24, had for the longest time seemed unstoppable, a crime solving machine piecing together completely innocuous clues and catching killers in investigation after investigation.

Until now, that is. In Thorn’s latest case every lead is a dead end and there is no prospect of the crime being solved, no matter what uncannily relevant events happen in his personal life to trigger eureka moments.

“I really have no idea who did it,” said a visibly distraught Thorn. “No closure on this one. Not now, not ever.”

The crime in question, the strangling of a young man, incredibly seems to have no connection to elaborate story arcs or government cover ups. It was just plain, dirty murder.

Humiliation fetishists flock to Trump campaign lawsuit teams

A BDSM enthusiast prepares to defend Trump

A BDSM enthusiast prepares to represent Trump

Hack law firms around the United States have been swamped with applications from BDSM enthusiasts keen to partake in the breathtakingly public humiliation of licking the president’s boots in court.

Thousands upon thousands have put their names forward to try and fail to discredit the results of the 2020 election, seeing it as a once in a lifetime opportunity to be dominated on the world stage.

“I say,” a Georgia judge said to one such practitioner this morning, “do you have any evidence at all for the claim that thousands of fraudulent Democratic ballots were delivered by pickup trucks on the evening of the election?”

“There’s not not not evidence, your honour” moaned the lawyer, resplendent in a full body rubber suit and enormous spiked leather collar. “Ask me another question. Please.”

The judge obliged, saying: “Under oath: by not not not evidence, do you in fact mean there is no evidence whatsoever?”

“Yes,” the lawyer wailed. “Oh yesssssssss.”

Similar scenes are unfolding in courts across the country, even in states Trump won. The absurdity is said to add to the overall experience. Although firms are doing their best to weed out sadomasochists, it’s proving awfully hard to tell the difference between them and lawyers willing to represent the Trump campaign in court.

Chair of Democratic Rigging Committee sacked for forgetting about the senate

DRC chair Clement Jones was fired today with immediate effect for neglecting to give Democrats control of the senate while rigging last week’s election.

Senior party officials were apoplectic after Jones, 64, not only made Joe Biden underperform compared to polling averages in the presidential race, but forgot to fix senate contests on the very same fake ballots.

As if to see just how badly he could bungle the job, he also saw to it that Republicans gained seats in the House of Representatives rather than lose them, which is what usually happens when elections are rigged.

His breathtaking show of incompetence has rather scuppered Democratic plans to take over the country, though is testament to the party’s pathologically weak brand of bipartisanship.

Jones has been replaced by former chair Shanon Kurtz, who was herself previously fired after overseeing Democratic rigging of the 2016 election.

Next season of ‘American Horror Story’ to be live footage of America

Producers on the hit TV show American Horror Story have confirmed they are shelving fictional scripts in favour of real-time documentary footage.

“The spirit of the show leaves no alternative,” said showrunner Fiorentina Oedy. “Sordid, grotesque, downright sickening tales of American life are our bread and butter and nothing our writers can think of tops this shitshow.”

The debut of the new season, which is subtitled Back to Normal, will reportedly jump back and forth between an adjourned senate, miles-long unemployment lines, and catastrophically overwhelmed intensive care wards across the country.

Rumours also abound of episodes focused on poisoned water supplies, stockholder meetings in Silicon Valley, school shootings, and an eight-parter special in which fathers and sons bond through a shared love of lynching.

Network executives denied all accusations that the change in direction is a cost saving measure cynically dressed up as some kind of commentary on the state of the nation.

Sacha Baron Cohen reveals Donald Trump is one of his characters

Sacha Baron Cohen removing his Donald Trump mask


American democracy is in even more of a crisis than it was before after it came to light Donald Trump does not exist except as a figment of Sacha Baron Cohen’s imagination.

The British comedian, famed for playing characters like Ali G and Borat, among others, has spent decades painstakingly crafting Trump’s persona as an ignorant, boorish, vain, inept, breathtakingly stupid American businessman.

He decided to come forward because things have rather gotten out of hand.

“Stare too long into the void and the void stares back,” he told White House reporters after removing his ghastly prosthesis. “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was waiting for people to clock this wasn’t real, that it was all too absurd, but it never happened.”

The whole business has left the US government in something of a pickle, with Mike Pence begrudgingly sworn in as America’s 46th president and half the staff resigning on account of being Cohen plants.

To further complicate matters it appears the ‘Trump’ children are real, produced using rejected samples found in the dumpster behind a Queens sperm bank.

Love discontinued after quantitative assessment finds it ‘lacking in value’

The emotion of love is to be phased out of human nature after a cutting edge study found it to be incompatible with planetary culture.

Designed by a handful of CTOs during an afternoon meeting, the FUTILE assessment uses a made up scoring system to measure all human feelings. Qualities that fall short of expectations will be purged from the species using a mix of eugenics and aggressive shock treatments.

“The human race has always believed deeply in progress, in quick wins and growth” said senior project lead Joel Jones. “We’ve heard and feigned consideration of arguments in favour of love, but the cold, hard, scientific truth is it fails all of our arbitrarily chosen and lazily measured metrics.”

He concluded: “I fully appreciate passions are running high right now. Luckily that won’t be a problem for much longer.”

The FUTILE assessment had a sample size of 8,748,006. Although the study found love to be a fantastic motivator, it rarely motivated people to do things the study’s designers approved of.

Empathy, loyalty, moral codes, and irreverence are also to be purged in good time.

Tories to retrain as competent leaders

In the spirit of leading by example, the entire UK Conservative government has signed up for apprenticeships in not being breathtakingly useless wankers, with hopes of being fit to govern within four years.

Inspired by the plight of thousands upon thousands of perfectly able workers laid off through no fault of their own during the COVID pandemic, senior government figures thought it was only fair that they hone their own skills when not too busy ignoring overwhelming scientific consensus.

“No more handouts,” said chancellor Rishi Sunak. “It’s about time those in office showed their worth. There are fresh and new opportunities for us to adapt. We Brits have always shown our hardiness in trying times and I’m sure we in government will do the same.”

Sunak is projected to be retrained within six months. Boris Johnson and Priti Patel need several decades to be fit for their respective roles. Michael Gove and Matt Hancock have been deemed totally beyond help and will be put down on Thursday.

Life on Venus begs humanity to leave it alone

Scientists today received a direct communication from the life forms discovered on Venus warning humanity to keep its distance indefinitely, or else.

Early assessments of the ‘potential’ new life had initially been seen as dubious, something blown out of proportion by a hysterical, scientifically illiterate mass media, but the radio transmission paints a different picture.

“We’ve been watching you and we haven’t liked what we’ve seen. Not one bit. You’re a whole lot of trouble,” the message said. “We want nothing to do with you. Nada. Zip.”

The transmission went on to document thousands of eerily detailed instances of humankind destroying everything it touched, including eighteen we didn’t even know about.

Our Venusian neighbours concluded: “With all this taken into consideration there is no doubt in our collective, multidimensional mind that you should never seek to contact us again. Ever.”

A crack NASA team is now hard at work on a contact mission, likely involving manned space flight and some kind of space laser supplied by Boeing.

God admits selling prayer data to advertisers

The all powerful creator of the universe today acknowledged that it has been selling prayer data to advertisers for at least six years.

What had previously been considered divinely private information has in fact been systematically funnelled to companies like Apple, Disney, and Konami so they can better market garbage products no-one really needs.

“Ad revenue is crucial to our growth strategy,” an afterlife spokesentity said yesterday. “Rest assured we have the utmost respect for the anonymity of everyone who prays, which is just as well because you wouldn’t believe some of the smut people ask for. Really hinky stuff.”

The spokesentity refused to comment on reports god, best known currently by monikers like Yahweh and Allah, called devout followers “dumb bastards” during a recent meeting with stockholders.

The revelations have also led to concerns about the security of prayer data, with several hobbyists claiming you can listen to them live using customised radio equipment.

Vince McMahon wins presidential debate with devastating top rope finish

Vince McMahon in the middle of a flying elbow drop

Vince McMahon midflight

Registered voters say Vince McMahon was the clear winner in 2020’s first presidential debate, with the WWE chairman and CEO putting in an imperious display against Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

Live polling of the event showed Biden and Trump as equally unpopular in the minutes before McMahon appeared out of nowhere to hit them both with a steel chair in one swing.

A reeling Trump tagged in Jared Kushner, who was promptly thrown clear out of the ring by an inexplicably shirtless Joe Biden.

“Trump performed well in the trash talk,” said CNN political analyst David Gergen, “but fleeing the building was a mistake. People wanted to see a show.”

In a post-debate survey of 14,408 registered voters, 57 percent said the most important moment of the night was when Biden lay down to take a nap and McMahon capitalised with a breathtaking flying elbow drop from the top rope.

The debate, which lasted four hours and featured no policy questions, beautifully sets up the upcoming vice presidential showdown between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris. Hulk Hogan is yet to comment on rumours of his involvement.

Person learns from mistake

A humble Illinois carpenter made history yesterday by becoming the first human this millennia to genuinely learn from a mistake.

Leonard Hurst, 24, had been ostracised by friends and family after destroying the facade of a local family business in a fit of drunken rage. After reflecting on his actions he made a genuine effort to work on himself and avoid the same mistake repeating itself in the future.

Hurst said: “I looked at what happened, what I did, the context, and whatever else went on there was no escaping the fact I could and should have done better. From now on, I will be better.”

Hurst’s friends and family are reportedly very proud of him, as they know people have an infuriating knack of talking about learning from their mistakes before going back to doing exactly what they were doing before.

It had been more than 50 years since a person last learned from a mistake. In 1954 one Ashley Barnes realised buying unessential items she didn’t have the money for did more harm than good and adjusted her spending accordingly.

UN recognises PowerPoint presentations as torture

Long, boring, corporate jargon-filled PowerPoint presentations are at long last a recognised form of torture, the United Nations announced today.

The verdict, which was added to the United Nations Convention against Torture treaty this morning, is the culmination of decades of campaigning by anguished office workers, civil servants, and other unfortunate subordinates to managers with no real purpose or skill.

“It would be depraved to argue such presentations don’t fall under cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment,” said secretary-general of the United Nations António Guterres. “Few experiences are more fatal to the human spirit than having to pretend to care about company growth, KPIs, and quick wins.”

An international coalition of middle managers has already formed to challenge the verdict, arguing PowerPoint presentations are not torturous so much as they are an advanced motivation technique.

USPS mail collection boxes replaced with incinerators

All United States Postal Service letter collection boxes in the US have been replaced with incinerators disguised as letter collection boxes, the inspector general confirmed today.

The swap involved more than 150,000 boxes and was supposedly caused by ‘a paperwork error.’ Said paperwork has itself been lost due to ‘an incineration error.’ Details of who made the new boxes and how much they were paid are unavailable for the same reason.

“Whoopsie,” said postmaster general Louis DeJoy in a statement released this morning. “Honest mistake. I have complete faith the American people will adapt to these complications in due course.”

Democrats have claimed this mixup is actually a devious attempt to suppress mail-in votes ahead of the presidential election on November 3rd. When asked by The Whale-Lines for comment Mr. DeJoy laughed maniacally and hung up the phone.

The mistake cannot be reversed as the removed boxes were immediately melted down and turned into fencing to be used at Immigration and Customs Enforcement detention centres.

EXCLUSIVE: Q of the Q Continuum behind QAnon

Q of the Q Continuum

Dissociated Press

In a classic case of mischief making, it turns out the Q behind QAnon is none other than Q of the Q Continuum, The Whale-Lines can reveal.

The rapscallious, flamboyant demigod, best known for terrorising the crew of the Starship Enterprise, has been orchestrating the scheme for years as a test of humanity’s critical thinking skills.

“Needless to say, you’ve failed miserably,” Q told Whale-Line staff during a melodramatic and dimension-bending monologue regarded by all present as somewhat overblown. “Humanity is doomed as doomed gets, and good riddance.”

The QAnon conspiracy — reported anonymously online by one government insider using the moniker ‘Q’ — documents the struggle for power between Donald Trump and Satan-worshipping, child trafficking peodophile Democrats and film stars. It is taken seriously by millions.

“I mean really,” Q continued while turning the editor’s desk into strawberry jelly, “by the end I was reaching for the most outlandish stuff possible just to see how far it could go. Some people really will believe anything.”

The Q had previously suspected humans were capable of one day matching their own near-omnipotent state of being. Their opinion of us has now slipped to somewhere between house cats and earthworms.

Lizard people furious no-one takes them seriously any more

Lizard person


Lizard people of the world are in the midst of an identity crisis after years of whack job conspiracy theories have turned them into figures of fun.

Once feared for their conniving, disruptive, often downright nefarious tendencies, our reptilian would-be overlords are no longer taken seriously in villainous circles. If anything their involvement is viewed as a hindrance.

“Dastardly organisations won’t give us a look in any more,” lizard person Arllok Shivr told The Whale-Lines. “Our stock has gone way down. They mainly go in for PR execs and lobbyists these days.”

Unemployment in the lizard people community hit a historic high of 67 percent last week, with many more reportedly underemployed as janitors and truck drivers. Rising human blood prices have also led to an increase in lizard people hunger.

The Society Committed to the Advancement of Lizard Evildoing (SCALE) is holding crisis talks in its Alpine lair later this month, though expectation of a breakthrough is low.

Surgeons protest ‘tyranny’ of surgical gloves

The world’s leading surgeons have revolted against the expectation that they wear surgical gloves during operations, calling them ‘instruments of a deep state plot.’

For years the medical profession had thought gloves were a sensible, utterly uncontroversial way of minimising risk of infection during surgery. However, after reading several source-free posts that were making the rounds on Facebook they now realise gloves breach their human rights and are quite likely tools of communist insurgency.

“These glove nazis need to back off,” said Dr Eli Jipping, co-founder of the Gloves Off campaign. “I ain’t no sheep. I’ll dip my hands in manure before performing open heart surgery I don’t give a fuck.”

Why exactly rubber gloves have become a political issue remains something of mystery, though Facebook engagement rates have been terrific lately. Just terrific. Advertisers are delighted.

Meanwhile, complications from previously routine surgical procedures have skyrocketed in recent weeks, matching 19th century rates with uncanny accuracy.

Closer inspection of Elon Musk’s new ‘Uberwheel’ shows it’s just a unicycle with LED lights on it

Elon Musk’s supposedly ‘revolutionary’ new product is in fact just a centuries old idea with light blue LED lights glued on.

Global press had lost its collective mind over the so-called ‘Uberwheel’, which Musk claimed would end world hunger and make owners irresistible to the opposite sex.

However, leaked footage of the product having its lights glued on went viral this week, with millions realising Musk and his sycophants were totally full of shit.

“I just can’t believe it,” said Reddit user PegMeElon. “The Uberwheel seemed so cool when the press was publishing Tesla press releases uncritically.”

Some have even started to suspect that the accompanying ‘Uberway’ concept is actually just regular cycling paths, with LED lights on them.

For his part Musk remains defiant, spending most of last night publishing increasingly erratic tweets about Marxism, peodophiles, and gender pronouns in Pokemon.

Russia shrugs off 58% vaccination fatality rate as ‘collateral damage’

Reports that Russia’s new COVID vaccination kills more than half of those who receive it have been dismissed by the Kremlin as hyperbolic.

Vaccinations began in Moscow yesterday evening and early dispatches suggest the vaccine has nasty side effects like shutting down nervous systems and rupturing spleens, with most recipients dying within hours of injection.

“You’ve got to look at the full context,” president Vladimir Putin said in a statement released earlier today. “Yes, there has been some collateral damage, but see also that COVID deaths have plummeted.”

Speaking of plummeting, several clumsy Russian scientists who criticised the speed with which the vaccine was being moved into production have died after falling out of various thirtieth story windows.

The Russian government has confirmed it intends to continue rolling out the vaccine to the surviving population, thus getting one up on the rest of the world.

REVEALED: Vanquished Martian invaders refused to wear masks

Tripods from 'The War of the Worlds'


The Martian aliens that terrorised humankind before succumbing to infections died totally needlessly, new evidence revealed today.

Wielding extraordinary power in the form of three-legged death machines, our Martian neighbours were on track to enslave and/or liquidate all of humanity before succumbing to a nasty virus called GHOBLAR-1897. Although harmless to humans, it killed Martians within days of infection.

Decrypted internal communications reveal that Martian scientists were well aware of the mortal danger posed by GHOBLAR and told invaders to wear masks to ensure the transmission rate stayed below one.

However, the illness was widely dismissed as a Venusian hoax, with Bill Gates inexplicably singled out as an Earth-based colluder. By the time our would-be conquerors realised their mistake, it was too late.

Dispatches from Mars suggest a second invasion is not imminent, giving us ample time to reverse engineer Martian weapons and destroy ourselves first.

Whistleblower treated with dignity and respect

Jessica Jenkins, the woman who blew the whistle on sinister, unconstitutional behaviour in the CIA, has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for services to democracy.

The award is the culmination of weeks of fanfare and admiration from the American public, media, and political class, who all recognised Jenkins’ decision to leak evidence of government malpractice as the ultimate act of patriotism.

“I don’t care who knows it, this lady is a hero,” President Trump told assembled press today. “This country has a rich tradition of whistleblowing. It’s how we hold ourselves accountable and prevent ourselves rotting from the inside out.”

Those incriminated by the leaks will be brought to justice, their contempt for rule of law and America’s founding ideals treated as the stains on national history they are.

For her part Jenkins is looking forward to a lifetime to goodwill and peace of mind. She’ll never have to buy another drink that’s for sure.

“I was just doing my civic duty,” a bashful Jenkins told The Whale-Lines last night. “If we can’t hold ourselves accountable what hope does this country really have?”

Senate passes Motivational Posters Act to address crisis

The original 'Hang in There, Baby' poster

Victor Baldwin

Millions of Americans will receive ‘Hang in there, Baby’ posters as part of the new stimulus package passed by the US Senate earlier today.

With tens of millions of Americans facing eviction, unemployment, loss of health insurance, and being disappeared in unmarked federal vehicles, the US government is confident these posters will be enough to see the nation through the coming months.

“Let it never be said the US government didn’t rise to the occasion,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “I hope all you sniveling scum will now shut the fuck up about stimulus packages.”

The posters will come in three colours - red, white, and blue - and feature various breeds of cute, supportive cats.

Late amendments to the bill also stipulated that corporation tax no longer exists and martial law is now in effect nationwide.

The bill passed by 93-7, enjoying near-unanimous bipartisan support.

Sisyphus rebranded as person arguing with relatives on Facebook

The mythical figure Sisyphus, best known for pushing a big rock up a hill for eternity, has been formally rebranded as a person arguing with insane relatives on Facebook.

The Greek Ministry of Culture and Sports formally passed the change yesterday afternoon by a majority of seven. It is the first time a mythical character has been formally updated.

“We are immeasurably proud of our cultural heritage, of course, but we need to move with the times,” said minister Lina Mendoni. “This brings Sisyphus into the 21st century while maintaining the futility and despair that makes him such a beloved cultural figure.”

Much of Sisyphus’s backstory is unchanged. He remains a hubristic trickster king of Ephyra, all that has changed is the punishment he received. Whereas before he rolled a huge boulder endlessly up a steep hill, now he is chained to a desktop computer trying to reason with aggressively ignorant relatives.

Futile topics include 5G towers, holocaust denial, immigration policy, gender roles, lizard people, and the cultural significance of the TV show Friends.

Political debates to be replaced with literal fights to the death

Starting next week political debates of all kinds will be replaced by a gladiator-style combat between candidates.

No longer will public servants pontificate and lie in pursuit of power. Henceforth leaders will be the strong, the nimble, and the ruthless.

The decision to move away from (ostensibly) substantive policy discussion has proven divisive, with some worried the blood sports will lose sight of the public good. Others are more bullish, and have challenged skeptics to duels.

“Let’s see how smart the so-called experts are when they’re impaled on this trident,” said Conservative MP and former SAS soldier Bennett Barnes.

The first Prime Minister’s Lesions will take place at New White Hart Lane on Tuesday, with early betting suggesting Keir Starmer is the narrow favourite to win.

Broadcasting rights are yet to be determined. They too will be settled by fights to the death.

BREAKING: USA declares war on war

An American flag rippling in the wind


The United States of America is at war with war.

President Donald Trump formally announced the declaration during a rambling, largely improvised speech from the Oval Office earlier today.

“We’re going to get them,” Trump said. “Our fine people will bring hellfire, bombs, fury, all kinds of bad, bad stuff. We won’t stop bombing until we finally have peace on earth, believe me.”

A bipartisan bill quadrupling the military budget has swept through the House and Senate, with Boeing and Lockheed Martin to be given most of the money in exchange for planes, bombs, guns, explosives, and other such tools of death.

The president’s approval rating shot from 34% to 98% in the hours following the announcement, with the American public immediately forgetting any concerns it may have had about inequality, government corruption, or hawkish foreign policy.

No timeframe for victory was mentioned during Trump’s speech, though White House sources say the war on war is likely to last at least 50 years, hopefully more.

Shock, dismay as open letter changes absolutely fucking nothing

The world’s academics, philosophers, and self-appointed free-thinkers are really sad after their open letter about the Oxford comma had zero impact on how people behave and will continue to behave.

Signees had been convinced the collective prestige of their names would cause the whole world to confront deep-seated, multi-generational prejudices against the Oxford comma. Instead, they were ignored. Some people continue to use the Oxford comma, others continue not to.

“I just don’t get it,” said linguistics professor with a huge ego Alain Pipinjay. “Loads of people signed it, loads of really important people. Some of us are even fairly well informed about Oxford commas.”

The Whale-Lines understands most of the signees had booked time off work to attend the parade they presumed would be thrown in their honour. No such parade has been arranged, so they will instead let off some steam in Las Vegas.

Hare loses to tortoise after spending race arguing with rabbits on Twitter

A hare

Acme Images

The hare lost in a stunning upset to the tortoise today after wasting all its time and energy arguing with rabbits on the internet.

“The rabbits cost me this race,” the hare told a fawning press afterwards. “If only they’d kowtowed to my obnoxious, ignorant, condescending tweets, I’d have been victorious.”

Some other forest animals tentatively suggested that if the hare had simply run the race at a gentle pace it likely would have won comfortably. Such views have been widely dismissed as Russian meddling.

The tortoise, meanwhile, has sold the forest to private developers, who are scheduled to bulldoze all forest life next Thursday.

Government runs perfectly after being sprayed with WD-40

UK democracy is running like a dream after it occurred to a Civil Service intern to try spraying it with the ever-reliable WD40 spray.

Naysayers said that it wouldn’t work, that the workings of government are too complex to be solved by a mere water-displacing mixture, but boy were they wrong.

As if by magic, the rusty, warped, outdated system of governance groaned into motion within seconds of being sprayed and soon enough was as good as new.

Other nations are now looking at giving themselves the same treatment, with swathes of both the public and private sector said to be placing bulk orders of their own.

For its part a freshly sprayed military-industrial complex is wasting no time preparing for territorial wars over WD-40 manufacturing locations.

World leader takes a knee, resists reform

Neoliberal sweetheart Anthony Bellow delighted media pundits today by taking a knee in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement before announcing his opposition to any and all structural change.

The prime minister looked terribly solemn while posing for photographs in front of parliament, which is all that could be reasonably asked of a head of state during a time of crisis.

When asked afterwards whether his gesture would be followed by tangible measures like defunding the police and making body cameras mandatory for law enforcement, a visibly panicked Bellow said: “Oh god no. No. Of course not. Are you crazy?

“I think when you read between the lines of BLM’s concrete demands it’s obvious what people really want is vague noncommittal sympathy.”

He went on to announce the post office would be releasing a series of commemorative stamps next year, thus ending institutional racism and police brutality forever.

Willy Wonka declares bankruptcy following string of legal defeats

Willy Wonka


The Willy Wonka Candy Company declared bankruptcy today, citing a string of lawsuits that have made the confectionary empire’s business unsustainable.

Wonka had seemed untouchable for decades, but four horrible children have been relentless in their quest for financial compensation after being subject to highly symbolic traumatic events during an exclusive tour of the Wonka factory last year.

Company CEO Wilfred Gus Wonklestine, 48, told assembled press that all Oompa-Loompas had been made redundant and Nestlé would be absorbing the company assets. “I lose,” Wonklestine said. “Good day, sirs.”

Former heir apparent to the Wonka fortune Charlie Bucket, 11, has returned to his impoverished family and resolved never again to believe better things are possible.

Journalists foiled by ball on string

A crack team of Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists responsible for holding power to account and safeguarding democracy were foiled yesterday by a ball on a string, which distracted them from covering systemic police brutality.

This development is the latest in a string of journalistic failures, with leaders across the world attending press conferences with balls of yarn, throwing them near any reporters who ask difficult questions.

The sinister controlling forces of the world could hardly believe their luck upon the realisation that the world’s finest investigative reporters lose their collective minds when given the slightest invitation not to focus on important stories.

“It’s marvellous,” said top Republican and Democrat donor Keith Durham. “They totally lose sight of their responsibilities and focus on trivial nonsense, almost as if on command.”

Guy who does card tricks at parties finally gets laid

That bloke at social gatherings whose sole personality trait appears to be performing card tricks finally pulled some tail this week.

The guy - you know the one - could scarcely believe it himself when an attractive young woman was not just impressed by his ability to guess the right card, but positively enthralled.

According to witnesses, the unlikely couple went into one of the apartment’s empty bedrooms and appeared several minutes later looking suitably ruffled up.

The young lady lost interest later that same night, but for the amateur magician it was a kind of deliverance after years of indulgence and silent judgement.

Bob Dylan releases two-year, 17,408-verse song

Bob Dylan

(Like) Rolling Stone

Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan released an epic new song last night, its runtime clocking in at two years, three months, seven days, four hours, and two seconds long.

Supposedly recorded in one take, “The Long Goodbye” covers a range of subjects, including William Sherman’s scorched earth policy during the American Civil War, moon landing conspiracies, and recurring items on Dylan’s grocery shopping lists.

Reviews of the first day of the song have been largely positive - the NME gave it a groveling perfect score, as is tradition - though some have questioned whether this was really necessary.

Declassified documents reveal Jesus returned, was assassinated by CIA

Christianity has found itself in a bit of conundrum this week following the revelation that Jesus Christ returned to Earth in the 1970s but was killed by government agents before he had a chance to speak to anyone.

A collection of declassified documents, widely dubbed the Palaver Papers, recount Christ’s reemergence in rural Indiana in May of 1972 and his prompt murder at the hands of Central Intelligence Agency gunmen.

The messiah’s (cherry-picked New Testament) views of helping the poor and not killing each other had been deemed insurgent in nature and a threat to American democracy. The Palaver Papers reveal many senior government figures at the time believed Jesus was a communist. There were also concerns about what rapture would do to the stock market.

For the good of the nation, Jesus Christ was shot 17 times on May 7th, 1972, and buried in an undisclosed cave. His wounds were so fatal that he failed to reappear after three days. God is understood to have given up on humanity shortly thereafter.

The revelations are a doozie for doomsday types, who now have nothing to look forward to. A recent uptick in knitting clubs seems to be filling the void.

Book sales skyrocket as public invests in Zoom backgrounds

Printed book sales have increased by 247% in the last three months, according to statistics released by the publishing industry today.

This resurgence of the book trade had initially been attributed to people rediscovering their love of literature during lockdown, but actually it seems to have more to do with insecure professionals cramming as many books into their Zoom backgrounds as possible.

“I don’t want to look stupid during work meetings,” said web developer Hogarth Wilson during a video call in which the entire frame was filled with ornate leather-bound books that he obviously hasn’t read and never will. “If my bedroom doesn’t look like a library with a bed in it I’d come off like a right fool.”

Second-hand bookshops have been the main benefactors of this spike, their affordable prices being particularly attractive to those with no interest in using books as anything more than ornaments.

Nancy Pelosi delights Democrats by wearing #Resistance pin during political capitulation

Nancy Pelosi

Wikimedia C'mon

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi struck a hammer blow against the Trump administration last night by wearing a #Resistance pin while voting for the Gut Civil Liberties Act.

In a majestic, many say historic act of defiance Pelosi, 80, also tutted quietly and shook her head while formally signing away the rights of United States citizens to privacy, a fair trial, and freedom of speech.

When asked afterwards why she didn't vote against the bill if she found it so objectionable, Pelosi muttered something about "tough decisions" then disappeared into the nearest elevator.

It is the latest in a string of public humiliations for the Republican Party, which has also had to endure Pelosi vaguely disapproving of the Even More Tax Cuts Act, the Destroy Social Security Forever Act, and the Get More Money in Politics Act. Those she also voted for and pressured other Democrats to do the same.

“That’s exactly the kind of fight I want to see from the Democratic Party,” said New York Times columnists Archibald Kennedy IV. “Take a good look, folks, you’re witnessing a political master at work.”

In a futile attempt to recover from this setback the Republicans are preparing to table a Reduce the Minimum Wage Act, which Pelosi will also vote for.

Clumsy DJ drops mixtape in river

Aspiring Michigan DJ Leonard Fleming was mortified yesterday after dropping a shit hot mixtape in the Detroit River by mistake.

Fleming, 22, was on his way to Lojo Records to give the reportedly brilliant recordings to his agent but was thrown off balance by an errant banana skin while crossing the Ambassador Bridge. The tape slipped out of his knapsack and sailed straight over the edge.

“It was the only copy,” the distraught artist told Whale-Lines reporters at the scene. “Number one material, no question.”

When asked whether it might have been worth making a backup he shook his head and sighed. “Some things are one of a kind, man.”

Trump sarcastically nukes Canada

President Donald Trump got one over on the liberal media yesterday by eviscerating all life in Canada with dozens of nuclear bombs.

The world had been concerned that the USA slaughtering millions of innocent people had been done seriously, but Trump later clarified that the whole operation had been sarcastic, you idiots.

“Trudeau was a bad man, a rude man, very very rude,” Trump tweeted as mushroom clouds rose high above the charred and highly radioactive land that used to be Canada. “He asked me why the US military was crossing into Canadian territory and stealing ventilators from hospitals. Very rude. The bombings were sarcastic. It was a joke. A joke.”

When asked what the joke was exactly, or what it had to do with the media, the president responded by tweeting praise of himself then retweeting those tweets and thanking himself for the support.

“These are nasty questions, very very nasty,” he eventually said in response to a Canadian exchange student whose entire family had been vaporized in the blasts. “People really need to lighten up.”

In happier news, coronavirus cases in Canada have dropped to zero and are likely to stay there indefinitely.

Satire returns after satirists take badly to real world

The genre of satire is back, baby, after millions of writers and comedians recoiled from the prospect of doing honest work for the rest of their lives.

“What can I say,” said newly restored comedian Eddie Blanche, “we just didn’t realise how much we love what we do until we started exploring alternatives. On balance I think this is where I belong.”

Cultural touchstones like Saturday Night Live, The Onion, and Private Eye have been revived with immediate effect. The Whale-Lines may or may not continue to publish cat obituaries.

Obituary: Baxter

Mittens the cat

Courtesy of the family

Baxter the cat, 11, passed away last week after getting into an ill-judged fight with a fox. One of a litter of three, Baxter had been a fixture in the neighbourhood and was much loved by his family, though the feeling was not at all mutual. If anything Baxter felt deep disdain for his owners, seeing their unconditional, simpering love as a kind of weakness. He used humans for food and shelter and felt no affection for them, especially the children.

Obituary: Mittens

Mittens the cat

Courtesy of the family

Mittens the cat, 8, passed away last week after a very, very brief battle with a moving truck. One of a litter of six, Mittens had been a fixture in the neighbourhood and was much loved by her family, though the feeling was not at all mutual. If anything Mittens felt deep disdain for her owners, seeing their unconditional, simpering love as a kind of weakness. She used humans for food and shelter and felt no affection for them, especially the children.

Satire discontinued following Trump’s latest press conference

The genre of satire has been formally retired after President Donald Trump suggested injecting household cleaning products as a treatment for coronavirus yesterday.

Writers and comics around the world have agreed it is pointless to continue and that we should all simply enjoy the company of our loved ones in the time left to us before humanity inevitably destroys itself and all other life on earth.

“It was a watershed moment, there is nowhere left for us to go,” said former comedian Eddie Blanche. “Something in me was extuingished that will never be rekindled. I do not yearn for death, but it is the only thing certain to me now.”

Cultural touchstones like Saturday Night Live, The Onion, and Private Eye have been discontinued with immediate effect. Henceforth The Whale-Lines will print cat obituaries and nothing else.

Dow Jones surpasses Christianity as USA’s most popular religion

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has overtaken Christianity as the majority religion in the United States of America, according to data released by the Census Bureau today.

Unquestioning, unthinking belief in the index has skyrocketed in recent weeks as the coronavirus pandemic has wreaked havoc on the global economy. Believers are generally hardcore, with many advocating mass human sacrifice in order to appease their Lord and Saviour Dow Jones.

“Man was put on this earth to prop up the stock portfolios of obscenely wealthy vulture capitalists,” an impressionable middle-aged protestor told The Whale-Lines while polishing a semi-automatic rifle. “I’ve seen the light and I know what must be done.”

Dow Jonesism’s meteoric rise has coincided with a sharp downturn in Christianity. This is largely due to the deaths of millions of believers who ignored lockdown measures, went to church, and drowned in their own fluid around two weeks later.

It is understood that the newly vacated megachurches will be used to deliver sermons on Ayn Rand’s writings. Non-Dow Jones related issues like poverty, hunger, climate change, money in politics, press freedom, deforestation, mass extinction, and genocide will continue to be ignored.

Not having tattoos now cooler than having them, scientists say

Those without tattoos are now officially edgier than those with them, according to an extensive new study published by the Technical University of Munich today.

The decade-long study tracked the lives of 10,000 people and found the seemingly untouchable mystique of tattoos has been eroded by years of unimaginative choices and shoddy execution. Swallows, star-heavy sleeves, and names written in cursive on people’s wrists were highlighted as particularly egregious examples.

“There’s no getting around it,” lead researcher Dr Augustus Schweiner said, “tattooed people are now more likely to be perceived as conformist shills than those with no tattoos at all. If you want to seem employable be sure to have ink showing at interviews. Preferably something like a Deathly Hallows symbol.”

It has long been suspected tattoos have reached a tipping point, with uncool people now more comfortable getting them and sharing pictures of them with their uncool friends. The study found awesome tattooed people do still exist but are now very much a minority group.

The International Coalition of Interesting Inked People has convened an emergency conference in Helsinki to discuss the future of the artform.

Relief as only normal porn found on pope’s hacked computer

Pope Francis


The Catholic Church breathed a collective sigh of relief today after it was revealed Pope Francis’ hacked computer only contained run of the mill smut.

The religious leader’s most sensitive files were leaked to WikiLeaks last week and there had been much trepidation about just what kind of pornography he watched.

Thankfully, he’s a perfectly normal pervert. Indeed, many have found it rather charming that he downloaded such tame stuff at all given its reportedly widespread availability online. When The Whale-Lines went to print #ThePeoplesPope was the world's top trending social media hashtag.

The pope’s favoured genre of porn is apparently - and predictably - naughty nuns. He had a whopping 12 terabytes of the stuff, all in glorious 4K.

An online directory of all the films, photographs, and fanfiction found on the harddrive has been set up at

Ted Cruz melts after intern spills water on him

A national holiday has been declared following the unexpected demise of Texas senator Ted Cruz, who melted into a pile of mush after an intern spilled bottled water on him this morning.

Witnesses reported that aids were astonishingly slow to react. Cruz was less than pleased with the lack of urgency shown, vowing with his last breath to see all present “in hell, motherfuckers.”

The clumsy intern in question, Dorothy Bellows of Kansas, 19, is said to be mortified, but has received repeated assurance from Cruz’s constituents, colleagues, and family members that it really isn’t a problem.

“This all goes to show that talk of water shortages is just propaganda from the loony left,” President Trump tweeted five minutes after the incident. “The lovely young Miss Bellows has a bright future in politics. I’ll be keeping a very, very close eye on her. Believe me.”

Cruz had previously been the target of a splashination attempt in 2015, which was why he’d looked like he was melting for the last five years. No foul play is suspected in this case, and even if there was there’s been no suggestion anyone’s fussed about following up on it.

DC elites successfully moved to Truman Show-like dome

Domed city

Adomeby Stock

The American people are preparing for a bright and beautiful new chapter now that the entirety of Washington DC’s ruling class has been safely contained in a dome much like that featured in the hit motion picture The Truman Show.

In an epic nighttime operation codenamed Washington Bubble, thousands of morally bankrupt politicians, lobbyists, political pundits, and establishment journalists were drugged and relocated to a perfect replica of Capitol Hill in rural Virginia.

A nationwide conspiracy three years in the making, the dome was agreed to be the only realistic solution to institutional rot at the highest levels of government, business, and the media.

Those moved will henceforth go about their lives blissfully unaware that their actions aren’t having the slightest impact on American life. None are expected to show the slightest desire to leave the Bubble. If they do they will be lured back by invites to cocktail parties.

The real Washington DC will now be populated with honest, decent people in tune with American life and committed to its betterment, in keeping with the founding fathers’ wishes as outlined in the Declaration of Independence.

Democrats ‘unconcerned’ by reports that Joe Biden is the Zodiac Killer

The Democratic Party 'could not be more behind' presumptive presidential nominee Joe Biden despite pretty compelling evidence that he is guilty of murdering at least seven people.

In a series of stunning scoops published last week by The Intercept it came to light that former vice president Biden, 77, is in fact the Zodiac Killer, who terrorised the San Francisco Bay Area in the 1960s and '70s.

Despite this seemingly disqualifying fact Democratic loyalists are determined to back Biden all the way to an ignoble and humiliating defeat against incumbant president Donald Trump on November 3rd.

"Hey look, it was fifty years ago," said campaign manager Jen O'Malley Dillon. "Are we really going to judge candidates by who they killed fifty years ago?"

Senior Democratic strategists are confident that when Trump's lack of decorum is pointed out voters will forget their reservations about Biden and fall in line.

Police had previously thought the Zodiac Killer's infamous ciphers were indecipherable because they were the work of a genius. They now realise it's because they were rambling incoherent gibberish.

Hayao Miyazaki announces new films at retirement party

Hayao Miyazaki


Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki surprised absolutely no-one last night by admitting he would direct at least three more Studio Ghibli feature films.

As has become tradition for Miyazaki, he made these disclosures at a retirement party in Tokyo, his ninth since originally bowing out in 2005.

The as yet unnamed trilogy of films will be about aviation and the human condition - in that order - and be heart wrenchingly beautiful in every way.

"After these I'm done for sure," Miyazaki told stone-faced party attendees. "Once this trilogy is complete I can't bear the thought of making another second of film."

Miyazaki later told Whale-Line reporters that a fourth film was almost certain to happen as well.

Joe Hisaishi will score the pictures, which was a surprise to Hisaishi. He really thought they were done this time, the gullible old scamp.

Ironically vain Instagram star gets ironic nose job

Tongue in cheek Instagram user Brandy Earhart stepped things up a notch today by getting a rhinoplasty.

Earhart, 26, has more than 23,000 followers on the platform, just enough for her to pretend not to take it seriously but still secretly harbour dreams of social media influencing being a viable career path.

The cosmetic surgery is yet another top drawer piece of satire from Earhart. "#NoMakeup," she said in a post-op post in which her face and body were completely covered by bandages. "Sorry not sorry, am I right?"

For months Earhart has delighted followers with her ironically self-involved posts, often sharing dozens of stories a day in various outfits holding her cats. It was self aware so it was different. It was different.

From next week Earhart plans to add satirical product placements and hotel endorsements to her repertoire.

Dakota Johnson's feet land starring role in next Tarantino picture

Dakota Johnson's feet


The main character of Quentin Tarantino's upcoming feature film will be portrayed by Dakota Johnson's feet.

Johnson's feet, both 30, were among a slew of stars revealed to be attached to the project in a press release pushed under The Whale-Lines' office door last night.

The picture, entitled Bloody Knoll, portrays an off-beat yet uncannily intimate series of events surrounding JFK's 1963 assassination, with the finale expected to be a rewrite of history in which the president beats J. Edgar Hoover to death with a golf club.

Exactly what Johnson's feet's place will be in that arc is yet to be revealed, but Tarantino is understood to be adamant that they have extensive, some might say excessive, screen time.

Johnson herself is not expected to feature in any meaningful capacity.

Alabama to trial child armament scheme

Schoolchildren in Alabama aged seven and up will be issued sawn-off shotguns and buckshot ammo effective immediately, state officials have announced.

The measure, which will be trialled for six months, is the latest effort to reduce mass shootings. Students found without their shotgun will be fined to $1776 for contempt of freedom.

The National Rifle Association, which co-authored the legislation, has applauded the decision and dismissed concerned parents as treasonous communist scum. Republicans have echoed the NRA's sentiments. Democrats have taken to social media to blame Russia and congratulate each other for being part of the #Resistance.

"The only way to stop a bad kid with a gun, is a good kid with a gun," Alabama senator Babe Thomas said in a statement on Friday. "I wholeheartedly back the measure and look forward to seeing the next scumsucking mass shooter drown in a pool of his - or her - own blood."

It is understood that Florida and West Virginia lawmakers will be keeping a particularly close eye on the scheme’s progress, with views to roll out similar measures themselves.

Leftists lose election, claim future is theirs

Socialist leaders and activists were bullish after losing an eleventh consecutive national election, claiming a closer look at the demographics proves next time, next time, they would be victorious.

The centre left Fairer World Party won 24.7% of the popular vote, a four percent decrease on the previous cycle, while the Fuck You I've Got Mine Party tightened its stranglehold on all levels of government with 66.6% of the vote.

"The real story here is who won the youth vote," said Protector columnist Gertrude Kilmer. "I mean, we lost there too, but it was much closer than many people were expecting."

In light of this impending and inevitable glory, all levels of the party have resolved to change absolutely nothing about their policies, priorities, rhetoric, or campaign strategy for the foreseeable future.

Sources say the ruling powers are unconcerned by predictions of working class uprisings given it’s a demographic they’ve won handily for decades.

COVID-19 LATEST: White House prescribes burying head in sand

Man burying his head in sand


The coronavirus could be on its last legs thanks to a new miracle cure unveiled by the US Government today: burying one's head in the nearest available sand.

A painfully out of his depth President Trump revealed the new measures this afternoon during his daily press briefing. Two secret service bodyguards assisted pandemic advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci, 79, in a demonstration of the technique until he stopped moving.

"See?" Trump said. "Calm. Very very calm. Limp as a fish. Have you seen anyone so calm in your life? Not me, and I've seen some calm folks let me tell you." Etc.

World Health Organisation (WHO) head Tedros Adhanom quickly condemned the treatment as "offensively uscientific," going on to gently suggest the United States get its act together before thousands - if not millions - of people die.

WHO has since been designated a Foreign Terrorist Organization on account of violence against the Dow Jones Industrial Average.

Aliens abducted by Matt Bellamy

Matt Bellamy

Dissociated Press

In a truly alpha move, rockstar Matt Bellamy stumped skeptics and naysayers alike yesterday by revealing he had abducted two little green aliens from outer space.

Bellamy, 41, best known as the frontman for British rock band Muse, posted a video of the aliens tied to chairs in what he described as a secret location but which was quite obviously his living room.

Between bouts of hysterical laughter, Bellamy said: "I told you. I told you. I told you. I got one. I got one. I'm going to find out what they’ve all been up to. I bet it's no good, the little bastards."

How exactly he pulled off this historic feat remains unclear, but local authorities believe it may be connected to a county-wide power cut that happened last week.

Muse drummer Dominic Howard, 42, also appeared in (what can only be described as) the hostage video, giggling and egging Bellamy on before bursting into sycophantic tears. Bassist Chris Wolstenholme, 41, is reportedly vacationing in Hawaii and could not be less interested in what his band mates are up to.

The abduction is a vindication of sorts for Bellamy, whose once peerless musical prowess has faded badly in recent years.

The little green aliens, addressed as 'Alan' and 'Melanie' in the video, tried making indecipherable garbling noises but were quickly silenced by good hard smacks to the face.

Bellamy demanded that further aliens turn themselves in or else much worse treatment awaited the unfortunate pair. "Time is running out," he said.

UN passes resolution for pirates to be more whimsical

The United Nations has updated the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to mandate that all peoples have a right for their interactions with pirates to be charming and fun.

Piracy has been increasingly associated with desperation, violence, and despair. Since 2010 there have been only two reported instances of piracy in which everyone involved had a splendid time or quite frankly had it coming.

Article 31 will take effect in September, allowing for a grace period in which pirates around the world can tidy up their behaviour. It is understood Disney will serve a consultancy role.

When approached for comment, Somali pirates took Whale-Lines reporter James Jameson Jr. hostage and said: "These measures are self-involved nonsense and have no place in hydrarchy. Who’s going to stop us? The Pirate Police?"

A Pirate Police task force is being formed as part of Article 31, composed mainly of students on gap years drawn by the promise of interesting Instagram feeds. It is unclear whether the Pirate Police will also have to conduct themselves whimsically.

The UN says it will fund the initiative by diverting money away from its Somali Assistance Mission.

Statue of Liberty deported to France

Catty Images

The Trump administration continued its crackdown on undocumented immigrants yesterday by shipping the Statue of Liberty back to France.

After months of legal challenges, the statue's defence team had exhausted all legal and illegal options and was left with no choice but to give her up to the authorities.

The statue, which was donated to the USA by France in 1886, has been dismantled and its parts stored on the Panamanian freighter Haven on Earth.

"We take immigration very seriously let me tell you," President Trump told assembled press yesterday evening. "She's not coming back. I guarantee it."

The development is a major blow to rhetoricians across the country, who often cited "The New Colossus", a sonnet at the statue's base, when making the case for a more open, loving world. A new plaque is to be installed bearing the Franz Kafka quote, "In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world."

The rest of the statue's old Ellis Island site is to be redeveloped with decadent apartments for the super rich.

France is said to be rather hurt by the whole affair and is exploring options to keep the statue in storage so no-one need be reminded of painful memories.

Record low seven war criminals nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

Human rights groups the world over were elated yesterday when a mere seven war criminals were nominated for this year's Nobel Peace Prize.

The award has a proud history of nominating - and often awarding - prominent public figures in flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention.

"This at least marks a step in the right direction," said a visibly defeated Llorna Jackson, co-chair of Human Rights Watch. "The list of nominations is marginally less of a spit in the face of human decency than it usually is."

However, the collective death toll of those nominated is not the lowest it has ever been. In great part due of an ongoing series of indisciminate drone strikes by the USA, the (figurative) blood of a 72,843 innocent people are on the silk-gloved hands of this years nominees.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee shrugged off concerns that they were normalising mass murder, with a spokesperson saying: "If we nominated genuinely peaceful people no-one would care."

A smattering of pressure groups have highlighted the lack of women nominees, with #WarCriminalsSoMale one of the top trending hashtags over the weekend.

A lavish, star-studded ceremony will be held in Oslo, Norway, on December 11th with no sense of irony or self-reproach.

Mosquito rights activists firebomb Raid factory

A mosquito rights group was behind last week's industrial estate explosion in Bristol, police have confirmed. The attack killed 13 and hospitalised 57 more.

Suspicions had been rife since Wednesday when leaked security camera footage showed three men fleeing the estate wearing enormous papier mache wings.

The attack has been widely condemned as excessive. It marks the latest in the ongoing 'swarm' campaign against anti-bug spray manufacturer Raid, which has been accused of normalising abuse against insects.

"There is now no question that the attack was conducted by the Mozzie Liberation League," a law enforcement spokesman told Whale-Line reporters yesterday.

Mindy LeHouvre, chairman of FEMI, has distanced herself from the latest attack, calling it "unfortunate", but insists it was a product of "legitimate and righteous anger."

No suspects have been apprehended as yet, although authorities are confident of a breakthrough. The hunt marks the first serious test for the 'Butterfly Net' special task force set up last month in response to escalating insectal violence.

Logan Paul apologises for detonating atom bomb as 'prank'

An atom boomb

Dissociated Press

YouTube personality Logan Paul has apologised for a 'prank' video in which he detonated a 34 megaton nuclear bomb in downtown Manhattan.

The video, which has received 4.8 billion views since being posted on Friday, shows Paul hiding a warhead in a family picnic basket and detonating it remotely. A reaction video posted on his second channel has been viewed 3.2 billion times.

An estimated 7.2 million people were killed in the blast, with the number likely to rise exponentially in the coming months. Paul's actions have been widely condemned as excessive.

His apology, posted on Twitter yesterday, said: "I'm really really sorry about the NY prank :(." Paul has since donated $2,000 to the Red Cross and encouraged his followers to give what they can.

Some of Paul's fans have taken to social media to defend him, dismissing the international response to his actions as a witch hunt. "Omg he said sorry leave him alone," one user tweeted on Saturday. "We all make mistakes."

When approached for comment, YouTube representatives said they are currently investigating whether Paul's actions breach community guidelines.

Local man mistakes being bright for being exceptional

Layabout Whelan Jones yesterday came to terms with the fact that although he is relatively bright, he really isn't all that great.

Jones, 38, had devoted most of his adult life to idleness, convinced that his superior intellect would spontaneously lead to success at some point or other.

Those familiar with Jones believe this unfortunate frame of mind was formed during his time at school. Several A-graded papers and a particularly simpering teacher gave him delusions of grandeur that he has been unable to shake for more than 20 years.

According to Whale-Line sources, Jones finally came to terms with his squandered potential (such as it was) after bumping into an old schoolmate he had previously considered dim. Though hard work and kindness she had achieved prosperity, happiness, and good prospects of early retirement.

Due to his unfamiliarity with hard work Jones has not yet acted on this revelation.

Next FIFA game to add racist abuse controls

The next installment of the FIFA Football video game franchise will include a variety of racist controls, EA confirmed today.

In response to calls for the games to be more realistic, the studio has been hard at work adding a complex system of prejudice and provocation. Working in a similar way to the diving mechanism, players will be able to shout 37 slurs in 12 languages.

Stadiums will have 'prejudice scores' in accordance with their reputations. These scores will update weekly as different hate crimes are reported throughout the season.

"We want our games to be believeable," EA Sports head Dwayne Thorpe said. "This is the kind of innovation that keeps bringing people back to the franchise."

The game's gambling mechanics are also being ramped up. Thanks to the 'Buy' buttons that have become standard in the current generation of console controls, players will be able to improve their performance with the non-refundable twitch of a finger.

A homophobic expansion pack is reportedly in the works to be released in time for the Euros.

As yet Barcelona star Luis Suarez is the only player confirmed to be appearing on the box next year.

UK government announces plans to build 2 million unaffordable homes

A mansion


More than two million unaffordable homes will be built across the United Kingdom over the next two years, the government announced yesterday.

Conservative party donor and housing secretary Winston Hutherforth III, Esq. vowed not a single one of the luxury builds will cost a penny below four million pounds.

"The people have spoken and we have listened," he told a Facebook live chat on Friday evening while waving a mini Union Jack. "Never before has so much been built that will cost so much and be owned by so few."

Raw materials for the new developments will mostly be sourced from the Scottish highlands. Whale-Line reporters understand Holyrood was not consulted about this.

As part of the Conservative Party's efforts to consolidate northern support, 65% of the new builds will be in Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds, Newcastle, and Hull.

An accompanying scheme for first-time buyers was also announced. Young professionals earning £50,000 or more a year will be able to purchase 5% stakes in unaffordable homes. Outright purchases will require up-front cash payment.

When asked whether this remarkable burst of competence, vision, and efficiency will carry over into social housing, High Speed 2, or the climate crisis, Hutherforth said: "No."

Perfect vacuum discovered in postmodernist college department

A whole new realm of astrophysics may have opened up with the discovery of a perfect vacuum in an Oregon university humanities department last week.

The phenomenon, which was previously thought to be impossible, was supposedly caused by a doctoral thesis about the post-structuralist interdimensional sexual connotations of sliced bread.

Dr. Leopold Schnizer, who led the team that made the discovery, said: "This changes everything we thought we knew about the way the universe works. If appears if statements are meaningless enough the very fabric of space and time simply fades away."

A 3,000 square mile exclusion zone has been established around the campus, which was evacuated immediately after the discovery. Only a handful of stubborn liberal arts students remain.

Although academics working in the department were kind enough to comment, no-one had the slightest clue what they were talking about, including themselves.

Star Trek spin-off 'Keeping Up with the Cardassians' confirmed

A new Star Trek series focusing on the lives of a Cardassian family was announced by CBS today at a celebratory party in Los Angeles.

The show, entitled Keeping Up with the Cardassians, will centre on the spoilt, self-involved children of Gul Dukat, a fan favourite character from Deep Space Nine.

CBS President Kelly Kahl, who attended the party, said: "Few franchises hold as many posibilities as Star Trek does. We're delighted to be pushing the envelope with this new series."

"Needless to say we're very excited about the product placement potential of the show. I mean creative potential. Creative potential."

Keeping Up with the Cardassians will take place on a starship called teh Goblar. Gul Dukat actor Marc Alaimo has been lured out of his retirement home to reprise his role. All other parts have been filled by various sons, daughters, nieces, and nephews of the producers.

Well-intentioned, policy-free petition reaches 27 million signatures

Sensible people across the world are imploring policy makers to act after a petition calling for people to be nicer to each other neared 30 million signatures yesterday.

The petition was set up by Elaine Swinson, 34, of Indianapolis two days ago after she read several news stories about murder, famine, corruption, inequality, and other such unpleasant things. 

"I just felt like I needed to take a stand,"  Swinson said. "If people signing an online petition can't change the world then I don't know what can. I just don't know." 

Support for the petition has spread like Australian wildfire, recieving endorsements from Oprah Winfrey, Jeb Bush, the Center for American Progress, and the IRA.

Suggestions from some circles for the campaign to put forward concrete policy proposals and maybe even organise real life protests has been widely renounced as a purity test.

Oasis reunite for car park brawl

Noel and Liam Gallagher

Columbia Records

Legendary rock brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher succumbed to pressure from fans and met yesterday for a punch up in a Tesco parking lot in London.

The duo, best known for their work with the British rock band Oasis, were egged on by fans and onlookers. Some are understood to have joined the brawl after Liam assaulted members of the crowd.

"They were madferit, d'you know what I mean?" Liam told Whale-Lines reporters over the first of thirteen pints.

Police broke the fight up before things got out of hand, though not before they had a good old laugh about it.

Noel, as ever, came off worse in the exchange and promptly drove off to recieve reassuring cuddles and sweet nothings from Bono.

Neither brother was harmed, as both have lost a lot of force since their heyday. However, those within earshot of Liam's screams said it was the best he's sounded since the 1990s.

Scientists generate electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave

Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology made history yesterday by successfully harnessing electricity from George Orwell spinning in his grave.

In a watershed moment for turbine technology, the late author's cosmic fury generated 7,400 kilowatts in just two hours, enough energy to power the average home for an entire year.

The crack team of MIT scientists had been working in the village of Sutton Courtenay, where Orwell is buried, for three years prior to yesterday's breakthrough.

Project head Dr Edgar Brown told assembled press: "It's an incredible achievement, and we hope this is just the beginning. There's an incredible amount of untapped energy here."

George Orwell, author of Animal Farm and 1984, was chosen as the initiative's test subject following an eight month screening process which considered hundreds of deceased authors, activists, and intellectuals.

MIT is understood to be in talks with the estates of Martin Luther King, Jr., Aldous Huxley, and Clement Attlee, with plans to exhume the bodies and move them to a specialist plant in Arizona. 

Noam Chomsky has also agreed to donate his body to the programme when his time comes.

Nick Clegg hired as spokesperson for North Korea Tourism Agency

Former deputy prime minister Nick Clegg revealed today that he is leaving his role at Facebook in order to serve as chief spokesperson for the North Korea Tourism Agency.

The move marks the latest in an illustrious career of apologetics for Clegg, who made a tearful farewell outside Facebook's headquarters in London before boarding a jet set for Pyongyang.

"There's no question the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has made mistakes in the past," Clegg said, "but having spoken with senior members of the government I am confident it can reinvent itself going forward and I'm excited to be part of that journey."

Clegg's salary is understood to be ₩18,473,738,592 (around £12 million) a year, with benefits including a cycle to work scheme and his very own labour camp.

Vince Cable was approached for comment but Whale-Line reporters were told he was napping.

Apple accuses architect of designing HQ 'built to collapse'

Apple is preparing to file a huge lawsuit against its contractor on Monday, accusing the firm of designing offices with 'planned collapsibility.'

Son & Son Structural Solutions secured a $1.2 billion deal in 2014 to build Apple's new headquarters in Death Valley. Construction on the 'Apple Core' campus finished in July 2017 and most of the structures inexplicably collapsed four months later.

"This was a deeply cynical and disgraceful abuse of trust," Apple CEO Tim Cook said on Tuesday. "I'd barely had time to settle in."

Apple workers are reportedly deeply disappointed by the shoddy craftsmanship of the campus, saying that having paid ludicrous sums for a flashy product they expected it to last for a long time.

Son & Son has expressed its sympathy for the situation and offered to build a new, better campus for $2.4 billion.

Jeremy Corbyn apologises for saying the road to Gulag was paved with good intentions

Labour leader Jeremby Corbyn issued a formal apology today for suggesting Soviet labour camps were well-meaning schemes gone awry.

Corbyn made the statements entirely unprompted when asked about nationalisation at a town hall meeting in Peterborough last week.

"It was not my intention to offend anyone or disparage the memories of millions of comrades who died at the hands of Soviet tyranny," Corbyn said. "I mispoke. Again. I hope this statement put's everyone's minds at ease."

He closed by saying the only for the country to move on from this was through a general election.

Stewart Lee tells joke

The comedy world was left reeling last night after '''comedian''' Stewart Lee told a joke during one of his standup routines.

Early reports suggest the joke, which had something to do with corn flake shortages, was not made ironically, nor was anyone in  the audience chastised for laughing at it. It appears to have been a  setup and punchline delivered purely for comedic effect.

"I didn't know what to think," said Harold Cole, who was in the audience when the joke was delivered. "I don't go to Stewart Lee gigs to hear jokes. I go to them to feel smart and sad. It wasn't fair of him to throw a joke in there like that."

No footage of the joke has surfaced as yet and police are refusing to rule out the possibility that no-one in the room was smart enough to catch on to whatever Lee was doing.

Lee has refused to comment on whether jokes will be playing a more prominent role in future routines.

Twelve unpublished novels found in Harper Lee's glove compartment

A dozen To Kill a Mockinbird followup novels have been discovered in the glovebox of Harper Lee's old car.

Tonja Cart, the Lee estate's executor, also claims to have unearthed two graphic novels and a Netflix miniseries script.

The books will be published as a collection for $350. The Legacy Edition will cost $1776 and come with a talking bust of Atticus Finch which spits out racial slurs whenever someone walks past it.

The Mockingbird Trust, a nonprofit dedicated to the preservation of Harper Lee's good name, has asked why the author didn't see fit to publish the novels when she was alive.

"She forgot," Carter told the press yesterday. "This is totally what she would have wanted. Frankly, some of the cynicism I've seen about this is exactly what Mockingbird was fighting against."

Warner Bros. has already snapped up film rights with Jennifer Lawrence signed on to play Scout. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has confirmed his involvement in the project but refused to comment on his role.

The discovery marks another stroke of luck for Tonja Carter, who has stumbled upon a number of Harper Lee projects since inheriting her estate in 2016.

Chelsea Clinton's unborn child announces Senate run



The unborn child of Chelsea Clinton has confirmed its plans to run for the Rhode Island junior senate seat next year.

The announcement, delivered yesterday by Chelsea Clinton during a fundraising event on Long Island, received rapturous applause from attendees. Speculation had been rife since the child's conception in May.

Democratic super PAC Priorities USA Action has already raised $13 million for the candidate, although grassroots support is also strong. 

The official campaign Twitter hashtag, #imwithwhateveritis, has been used seven times since the announcement.

Reactions have not been wholly positive. "This is another example of gross nepotism within the Democratic Party," Ivanka Trump told reporters on Tuesday.

The foetus, touted by Nancy Pelosi as the bright young future of US politics, has yet to release any policy positions.

Jacob Rees-Mogg under fire for wearing 18th century silk pyjamas in Parliament

The right honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq. has shrugged off criticism following his appearance in the House of Commons yesterday dressed in blue and white striped pyjamas.

Members of the Opposition have called the choice of  clothing insensitive to the day's topics, chief of which were sexual assualt, NHS cuts, and the Grenfell disaster. Rees-Mogg smoking a pipe during the latter was deemed particularly distasteful.

"It is a disgrace to turn up to the House of Commons dressed like that," Emily Thornberry said in a statement released today. "The teddy bear just added insult to injury."

Rees-Mogg has been unphased by the criticism. "It's typical left wing hysteria," he drawled to a Whale-Line reporter today. "Members of Parliament have adorned themselves in such fine attire for centuries, and bears are exceedingly noble creatures."

He appeared to be wearing the same jammies as the day before but had swapped into a fluffier pair of slippers.